you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
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I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
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I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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