haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
