I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
