Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
