This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You ruined the universe
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
