I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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