You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
