mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
