I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
