When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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