I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
barbara walters just said penis...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
