just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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