The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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