Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
