Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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