but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
