im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
