dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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