my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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