Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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