I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
