i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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