I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
