I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
