we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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