You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
