my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
