yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
