I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
