8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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