I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
