I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
