My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
