There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
