someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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