And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
