I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i think i have two assholes
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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