sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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