So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
