I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
