i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
