i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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