i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
