I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
