if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
