Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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