I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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