I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
