Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
