My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize