the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
