did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
