My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
