I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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